How many times have you heard; “Are you going to let him talk to you like that?, he’s just a kid” or “I think he needs to be shown who’s in charge here”.
If like me, you are the parent of an autistic young man, who loves to push a boundary (or 2) then adopting the below strategies may just help you overcome the hurdles of life with a PDA teenager.
1. Choose your words carefully – For certain in our household, “No” is one hell of a trigger. For us, it was the simplest of words that had the most catastrophic of reactions. For him, the word ‘No” was a complete loss of control.
2. Plan ahead – Where are we going? How long does it take to get there? What does it look like? Who will be there? All valid questions for a Neurodivergent teen, riddled with anxiety. It’s important to manage their expectations and give them time to mull it over. Show them photos of the destination, discuss the route you are taking and things they will see on the way.
3. Reduce those demands – When you become aware of just how many demands are made, even in the time it takes to get ready for school you will soon realise how a child with PDA can become overloaded. Wake up, get up, toilet/wash/brush teeth, get dressed, eat breakfast, get bag ready, then putting shoes, coat on and if you are anything like me, the final demand of “Be good!” before they are rushed out the door, is the cherry on top of a very overwhelming cake. The best tool I ever learnt was to spread out the demands. Allow more time. Get up 15 minutes earlier so that demands aren’t as compressed. Is there anything you can prepare the evening before to reduce the demands?
4. Pick your battles – We have all heard the phrase, but what does it really mean? It is a case of weighing up what matters more to you – is it clean teeth or leaving the house calmly and without an argument? Obviously most of us would prefer both in an ideal world, but given that they won’t, which do you choose?
If you drop the teeth brushing (not that I am advocating that, in case my dentist is reading…), are you more likely to be able to leave the house on time in the morning and everyone transitions to their next setting more settled and regulated? It might be the choice between your child sitting at the dinner table for a meal, or them eating food with good nutritional value, wherever in the house they choose to eat it. It could be letting them choose to wear no coat in winter because they literally won’t leave the house with one on.
These are really individual to us and our family, but questions to ask yourself before you get locked in to a battle of the wills are . . . Does it really matter? What’s the worst that is going to happen? Is this something I really want to happen?
Holly
Peer Support Practioner
June 2023